Like learning to sit up, crawl, and walk, potty training is a skill your child must master. This is usually done between 18 months and 3 year of age.
- Make sure there is no physical reason for the delay.
If there is a delay you may want to consult your paediatrician. It's possible that your child might have a physical issue -- such as weak bladder muscles or a urinary tract infection and often constipation is the culprit.
- Make sure that he/she is emotionally ready:
*The child can walk and is ready to sit down.
*The child can pull his or her pants down and up.
*The child can imitate parental behaviour.
*The child expresses an interest in toilet training, perhaps by following parents into the bathroom.
*The child can indicate that he or she is ''going'' in a diaper and then when he or she needs to ''go.''
*The child is beginning to put things where they belong.
*The child demonstrates independence by saying ''no.''
- Consider our Guidelines below to deal with the Strong Willed Toddler:
Understand the Developmental Need for Independence
From about the age of two, children are slowly separating from their parents and the world around them. This includes making decisions for themselves, exerting their power and will on persons and situations, getting their own way, declaring ownership and authority. When parents react by overpowering children, they cause them to feel powerless. Since all humans strive to feel powerful, the overpowered child may react to his or her feelings of powerlessness by either fight or flight – either giving in and letting others make all the decisions and maintain all control or fighting to seek power through rebellious and destructive behaviours. Parents who can shift to seeing their child’s struggle for power as a positive sign can find useful ways for the child to feel powerful and valuable and deal with power struggles in ways that reduce fighting and create cooperative relationships that empower both the child and the parents.
Try to avoid the struggle
Talk about something else first - redirect attention or turn it into a game e.g. INSTEAD OF "Put your dirty clothes in the basket!!" or "Why is your dirty clothes on the floor again"? SAY :Remember to feed the Laundry Monster!! Gulp gulp gulp - By side-stepping the power struggle, you send your child the message “I am not going to fight with you. I am not going to hurt you. I am not going to overpower you and I’m not going to give in, either.”
Give Choices, Don't Force
Do you want to go wee in the Green Potty, the toilet or the garden? When giving children choices, parents must be sure that all choices are acceptable. Don’t give your child the choice of either sitting down quietly or leaving the restaurant if you have no intention of leaving.
Also be sure you don’t give too many “autocratic” choices. Autocratic choices are choices that are so narrow the child senses no freedom at all. Young children benefit from having some choices narrowed, but try to give broad and open-ended choices whenever possible.
Choices should not represent a punishment as one alternative. For example, telling a child “You may either pick up the toys or take a time-out” is intimidation instead of empowerment.
Find Useful Ways for your Child to be Powerful
Whenever you find yourself in the middle of a power struggle with your child, ask yourself, “How can I give my child more power in this situation?” e.g. Instead of battling about the use of seat belts make your child the Seat Belt Boss. – it became his/her job to see that everyone is safely secured. Forget on purpose until your child reminds you too...
Try a little reverse psychology
O gosh I hope you won't wee on the Potty today because then I have to buy you a BIG PRESENT and I am just toooo lazy today/ then grandma is going to take you out for a surprise and your brother will be jealous/ then I have to go buy that special picture toilet paper and I don't feel like driving"
Do the Unexpected
When out to shop, buy nice undies for a "big friend" that is already going to the Potty. Wow, Sarah will love these "Frozen" panties, without making your child feel bad. If your child asks for the same undies say " yes they are soooo pretty mommy will buy you some as soon as you go Potty" then you can wear the same!!
Handling “NO”
Parents often have the attitude that children should not say NO to or question authority. It is best to hear a child’s NO as a disagreement rather than a disrespectful response. It is actually critical to teach children to say NO, or disagree, respectfully and appropriately. Keep in mind that you want them to say NO when faced with peer pressure and inappropriate situations. Instead of forcing then ask: Ok, let mommy know when you are ready.
Make is uncomfortable to non-comply
Don't jump immediately to change wet or soiled nappies for older kids. Then there is no real reason to avoid the discomfort. Don't wash their favourite shirt if they don't put it in the laundry basket and make it unavailable then next time they want to wear it. O no, it's a perfect day for your Minion Shirt but now it's still dirty...
Offer a different kind of incentive
If normal rewards like stickers or sweets don't work, find something more appealing to them . "Come see this funny froggy game on my ipad!! You can play this whenever you sit on the toilet!! " "Wow see this cool Spiderman Suite/ Princess Dress. There is no space for nappies in this suit so as soon as you are wearing undies/ panties we will go buy it!! " We can go do the rides/ sleep over at grandmas etc". Put a picture of the desired suit/item behind the toilet door or their room.
Do not constantly overpower or control
Children who are overpowered, or who feel powerless, will often seek to gain power through "revenge". They will seek to hurt others as they feel hurt and will often engage in behaviour that ultimately hurts themselves. Revenge at age two and three looks like holding back poo and messy food spills. Revenge at age 16 or 17 looks like drug and alcohol abuse, pregnancy, failure, running away and suicide.
Most parents’ goals are to raise a child who becomes a self-reliant adult, can make good decisions and has the confidence to be whatever he or she chooses. Your child will see that future more clearly if you allow him or her to practice at being powerful in useful and appropriate ways.
Be Positive, Persistent and Consistent
These are the three pillars that we need to raise strong willed children as they will otherwise win the war. Both parents and ideally the school MUST have the same rules, values, discipline methods, same consequences for behaviour and children must always know what to expect, especially where 2 homes are involved. They will otherwise be uncertain, confused or anxious or it will allow them to manipulate the situation that is unclear / a grey area in the first place.
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Rene Pfaff & Associates Psychologists
